The Parable of the Lost Wallet…

If you know me well enough, you know that I’m notorious for being very absent minded of the whereabouts of my keys, my wallet, and my phone. I have this little turret’s syndrome-esque tick of patting myself down like airport security. Around January I lost the wallet, and for the first time was convinced I wouldn’t be seeing it any time soon. I looked every where! I literally set a whole Saturday aside to search for it. Not to mention that of all the times I ever lost my wallet, it wasn’t until now a T.V. commercial for LIFE-LOCK came on that I realized Identity theft was a real-life crime that can happen and doesn’t have to go down like the Cage/Travolta flick “Face-Off”.  I was losing sleep! I filed a police report and could totally tell the cop was in the middle of a sudoku puzzle saying ” Can you give me your mobile number again?” I also got one of those credit fraud alerts activated.  While all this is going on my mind does it’s thing of thinking the worst possible scenario of, some dude finds it and spends every dime I have, maxes out all my credit cards, gets a hole punched in and redeems the “free quizno’s sub when you buy 6 overpriced subs”, applies for a job I didn’t know I could get that pays more than what I do, and finally moves out to his posh palace in Nepal under the guise of “ the artist formerly know as Mike Valentin.” To further fuel the angst, fantasies of me just happening to be window shopping at the Macy’s where this guy is doing his after the holiday’s shopping. I catch a glimpse of my terrible license picture (I look like one of al quaeda’s top 8), and make my way over to the register where i just stare at him… no words… This fantasy finishes like a Tarantino flick so I’ll leave out the details, flash backs and profanity. But I will say it would’ve been a cult classic.

It’s about 3 weeks since losing the wallet, and I’ve already made progress on restoring the “New” wallet. Nearly decent license picture this time. And for the occasion I’ve upgraded from Camouflage-Velcro, to Genuine leather and money clip (which I never use… I forgot what real cash looks like. You call it cash I call it debit.) But my mind still not at ease. I kept having those evil thoughts and worst case scenarios double features in my sleep. One think I know is I never want to go through this again. Here we are now in April.

Beth and I met up with our friends Dalli and Daniel on the “Links” (Golf Course, for the lesser players such as my self) last weekend. All was going well, the golfing it self…eh..let’s just say if we were equating golf skills to types of felines, Tiger being the best… I was about on par with a Garfield. So about 8 holes in i give my self the pat down… And the clouds opened up and I could kind of hear God doing that tongue to back of the teeth sucking and shaking his head as if to say, ” He we go again.” Nine times out of ten I would’ve flown off the handles, and the Mike that I try so hard to not let people see would’ve made his special guest appearance. I kills me to know that the people who know me best (family, really close friends), see him every once in a while. But God has a way of throwing a curve to life’s statistics. He’s this unchanging variable to my algebraic life… He’s my ”solve for ’Y' (Why.. get it?). My tenth go at this was going to be different. As Beth (my unending source of accountability-she can’t count how many times I screw up, but can give you a rough estimate) drove the cart around starting from hole 1, I actually consulted the Lord before opening a can on the world. I was to the point where i couldn’t be “HULK SMASH” angry… but quiet in humility. My prayer, as combed through the fairways and heavy rough, “Lord, I’m making a decision to not do what you know I want to do. I come to you asking only that YOUR will be done. I thank you for bringing me this re-trial, with your sole purpose to teach me, not just about being more careful about where I keep my belongings, but more importantly to meet me in a place where I’m on the fence of falling into sin. Help me to deal with my anger. Whatever happens Lord, you will get me through as you always have. I even forgot to thank you for getting me through the last time we had this problem. Help me Father…” 

We get to whole six and Beth; who I’m pretty sure was surprise to see that i haven’t broken any of my clubs like Bo Jackson breaks bats, says, “Is that it over there?”. And I had that child-like emotion of one half hope and one half “NO ITS PROBABLY A STUPID ACORN.” Sure enough, It was my wallet! I couldn’t believe it! During the cart ride back Beth says, “You’re just happy you found your wallet aren’t you?” And I shake my head and smiled yes. She was wondering why I was soo quiet through the whole ordeal, but she didn’t know I was having a meeting with Jesus, while she was doing her searching from the cart. I had a feeling of…”did that just happen?” Much less the wallet… but a “ did I just go through the majority this trial without fisticuffs and F-bombs?” (I say majority because I may have muttered a quick combo of *&#@! and !&@#* upon realization of losing the wallet). They say the tongue is a double edged sword, mine more or less resembles a hand grenade. To me this was big!!! Anyone can say, “well yah Mike that’s just one time you gluttonous heathen!” To that I say, ” I shall give credit, honor, glory and kudos when and where It’s due, so don’t spoil this victory for the me and the Lord….you hypocrite.” At the same time I do realize it’s just one of the countless battles in this war of the flesh, but I can ultimately wrap up this conflict in the end as long as I keep my eyes on Christ… and maybe my wallet.

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